


Songs that made you slit your wrists

by OfDeadLoves



Category: Death Spells (Band), Frank Iero and the Future Violents (Band), Frank Iero and the Patience, Gerard Way and the Hormones, LeATHERMØUTH, My Chemical Romance
Genre: AU, Fluff and Angst, Frerard, M/M, MCR, Mental Health Issues, Past Rape/Non-con, Psychiatrist!Frank, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt, my chemical romance - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-15
Updated: 2020-07-23
Packaged: 2021-03-05 03:14:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,155
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25287400
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OfDeadLoves/pseuds/OfDeadLoves
Summary: Gerard is struggling with his mental health and his new psychiatrist is there to help him.
Relationships: Bert McCracken/Gerard Way, Frank Iero/Gerard Way
Comments: 8
Kudos: 20





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This work contains depictions of self-harm, talk about previous sexual abuse and mental illness.
> 
> Please don't be mean, it's been AGES since I last wrote fan fiction (since I was in my teens probably) and I'm really nervous about sharing this, so be kind.

Gerard awoke to a beeping noise by his side, he felt groggy and his arms felt tight and throbbing, he slowly opened his eyes and struggled to put everything into focus. He saw a curly haired man on a chair by the foot of his bed sitting on a chair with what appeared to be a rosary in his hands, the man looked up and stared at Gerard in shock, Gerard stared back confused.

“He’s awake! Nurse!” he yelled as he got up and ran out of the room.

Gerard was starting to figure everything out and he soon realized he was in a hospital room with wires and tubes coming out of his arms, then he realized his arms were all bandaged up and he remembered, he groaned, he was such an idiot, he had one job and he’d fucked up.

Just a realization hit him the curly haired man, who Gerard now understood was a priest, and a nurse came in his room.

“Hi sweetie, how are you feeling?” the nurse said, as she shone a light in Gerard’s eyes, he recoiled at the offending beam.

“Not as good as I should be feeling by now had I succeeded in my mission” he said bitterly.

“I will call the doctors now” The nurse said and left hastily.

Gerard eyed the man by the foot of his bed, who was still concentrated on his rosary. He looked like someone who could be Gerard’s friend had he not been a priest, there was just something about him that he couldn’t quite pin down, he shrugged the thought away and closed his eyes, his arms were throbbing painfully under all the bandages that he felt were too tight.

“Gerard?” A male voice spoke after a few minutes, he opened his eyes unwillingly and saw two male figures standing in front of him along with the nurse who had previously checked his vitals.

“I’m doctor Johnston” the man said without waiting for Gerard’s reply “I’m your attending physician, this is doctor Andrews, he’s a psychiatrist, he’ll be asking you some questions, how are you feeling?”

“To be honest doc? Like shit” Gerard stated plainly, doctor Andrews chuckled.

“I’ll leave you with doctor Johnston” he said and he, the priest and the nurse left, leaving him and the psychiatrist alone, Gerard felt uncomfortable under his gaze.

“Hi Gerard! I’m doctor Johnston, but you can call me Daniel if you prefer” the man said, Gerard didn’t feel like calling him anything to be honest, he just stared. “So… Do you know why you’re here?”

Was he fucking serious? Of course Gerard knew why he was here and he had been kicking himself for the past 30 minutes over failing to accomplish his mission. “Cause I suck at killing myself?” he said nonchalantly.

The next 30 minutes were spent with doctor Johnston asking Gerard stupid questions that made him wish he was really dead. Once the doctor was done with his questions he excused himself and left, telling him he’d be back and that he’d let the nurse know he needed some painkillers for his arms.

Gerard closed his eyes and after just a couple of minutes he felt himself drifting off to sleep. It felt good, he wished he could make it permanent.

“Gerard!” he heard from far away, and then everything was shaking, he slowly opened his eyes and tried to bring his surroundings into focus, the whole heavenly court was surrounding him, nurse, doctor, psychiatrist and even the priest, he didn’t think he was on the brink of death (no matter how much he wished he did) as to need a priest there, but the world was a strange place. Anyway it took him a couple of minutes to realize it was doctor Andrews’ voice jolting him awake and his hand on his shoulder shaking him awake from his precious slumber.

“What’s up doc?” he said groggily.

“There’s some things we need to discuss with you, so, your vitals are stable enough all things considered, we patched you up and your wounds should start healing with the proper care, however, after doctor Johnston’s examination, we concluded that you can’t be released on your own…” doctor Andrews said matter of fact-ly.

“Wait, what?” Gerard choked trying to process all the new information.

“You’ll see…” doctor Johnston interrupted “you made an attempt on your life, and after the interview I conducted we’re not sure you won’t try again, so legally we have to release you under the care of an institution… a mental institution, we reached out to your next of kin, and they asked us to release you under Father Toro’s care, he runs a clinic where you’ll be treated for your illness and once his team sees it fit you’ll be released.”

“My next of kin? I don’t even…” Gerard stuttered still in shock, he didn’t want to be locked up, he wanted to be dead, not in the looney bin.

“We spoke to your parents” doctor Johnston offered as an explanation.

Of course they had, it wasn’t like his parents cared anyway, he hadn’t seen them in years, apparently they were too ashamed of their artsy gay kid to even give a fuck about him, and they were probably ecstatic to have him locked up, it was too bad that he hadn’t died, that would’ve made them even happier. And to corroborate Gerard’s theory of them not giving a fuck about him they weren’t even there after he had tried to slash his wrists, not even a get well soon card or some flowers, he didn’t even know why he was surprised at this realization.

“Okay Father, so, where do I sign?” Gerard sighed, everything seemed to point to the fact that he couldn’t escape his fate.

Soon enough the nurse brought him a stack of papers that he and Father Toro had to sign along with both his doctors, he was then left alone to change back into his clothes which were kind of a mess and the nurse came to give him instructions on how to properly care for his fresh wounds and let him know he was supposed to come back in a week to check their progress. Once she was done, Father Toro came in and cleared his throat.

“You ready?” he said

“As ready as I’ll ever be Father”

“Let’s go then, we can stop by your place for you to pack some clothes and toiletries if you want” he offered. Gerard accepted and soon they were in Father Toro’s car, a red VW Beetle, definitely not the car Gerard imagined a priest driving, but who was he to judge. He gave Father Toro his address and he entered into the GPS, it wasn’t a long drive to his flat, but a quiet one.

They got into the elevator up to Gerard’s flat, he fished for his keys in his jeans which was hard, they were too tight and the effort made his arms hurt, he opened the door and a cat came running towards him.

“Cat-niss!” Gerard squealed holding the ball of fur up and snuggling its face “I missed you baby! Yes, I know you missed me too” he said still cradling the cat in his arms, Father Toro watched the whole interaction from the door “Oh! C’mon in Father, listen, I just need to get some clothes and stuff and then I need to ask my neighbour to take care of Catnis for the time being, if you don’t mind” he said hastily putting the cat down.

“Take your time son” Father Toro said closing the door behind him and walking towards the living room.

Gerard put together a duffel bag with some t-shirts, undies, loungewear, slippers and toiletries, then he took Catnis to his neighbor’s along with her sand box, her food and water bowls and a bag of food, Jamia was delighted to be able to baby-sit Catnis for as long as needed and wished Gerard good luck on his “impromptu business trip”, Gerard was thankful for her.

When they arrived at the clinic they had Gerard sign a bunch of papers, just routine, his family was already taking care of paying the clinic for his stay, however long. Then Father Toro showed Gerard to his room, if we could call it that, it was tiny, and empty, there was only a single bed pushed against one of the walls, a tiny desk and a chair on the opposite wall and then a small door that lead to a tiny bathroom, Gerard walked in and sat on the bed with a sigh letting his duffel fall to the floor, Father Toro cleared his throat and Gerard looked up, next to him on the doorway there was a woman, no, a nun, Gerard shuddered at the memories of his childhood spent in Catholic schools, of course his parents would choose a clinic run by a priest and nuns.

“Gerard, this is Sister Mary Ellen, she’ll be in charge of seeing that you take your meds, eat, shower and attend all your therapy sessions” he said, introducing the woman.

“What? Meds? Therapy, on no no, I didn’t sign up for this” he said holding his hands up “I thought I was just going to be here resting for some days and then you’re going to let me go”

Father Toro chuckled “My child, this isn’t how it works, you’re here to get the help you need, we’re here to help you heal mind, body and soul”

“Listen Father, all that sounds awesome! But it’s not for me, I don’t need any help, I’m peachy, I don’t even believe all that soul bullshit” he said forcing a smile upon his lips.

“Listen kiddo…” Toro sighed, Gerard cringed at the kiddo part, he was no child and didn’t like to be spoken to like that “you just slashed your arms so much that the doctors had to put more than 50 stitches on them, you also admitted to the hospital’s psychiatrist to drinking excessively, using drugs and impulsive behaviors, I think it’s more than obvious that you need help and that it’s not safe for you on your own, now, there’s two ways this can go, you either start accepting help and healing or you make the whole process longer for yourself, but either way, at some point you’re gonna have to accept that you need help.”

Gerard rolled his eyes at the whole speech “whatever Father, just give me the goddamn pills and get this over with…”

Father Toro let out a small laugh, it pissed Gerard off, he wasn’t supposed to laugh, he wasn’t happy with this whole thing, he was miserable, and he wanted everyone else to be miserable. “So, we’re going to have to go through your belongings to make sure you’re not carrying anything you can use to hurt yourself or drugs, however cigarettes are allowed and they can be purchased at the store by the lobby, we also have some vending machines and I’m afraid we’ll have to take in your cellphone.”

Great, fucking great, things just kept getting better, Gerard thought, he just wanted this day to be over. Sister Mary Ellen went through his duffel but found nothing, after all, Gerard wasn’t stupid enough to bring his stash of pills and razor blades to a place like this, he rolled his eyes at the thought, he handed in his phone and sighed as he saw his last piece of touch with reality slip away.

“Breakfast’s at seven, group therapy at nine every day, lunch is at noon, art therapy at four and dinner’s at six, you’ll be given an appointment for a one on one session with your psychiatrist, that happens once a week, he’ll be the one prescribing the meds, there’s a gym that you’re encouraged to use, a pool out back, a small library and the infirmary are on the second floor, my office is right at the end of this corridor to the left, and my door’s always open.” Father Toro said like he had said the exact same words a thousand times, which being honest he probably had. “Like I said, smoking is allowed but only outside, you’ll meet the other patients soon enough, but fraternizing with them is prohibited, just so you know, Sister Mary Ellen will bring you a list of the rules you must follow while being here later on. If you have any questions you just let either of us know, we’ll be happy to help”

Gerard felt overwhelmed “Thank you” he said simply, Father Toro left with Sister Mary Ellen behind him, he contemplated his tiny room and sighed, he felt so stupid, had he only cut deeper he wouldn’t be in this mess right now. A while later Sister Mary Ellen came back with the rules printed on a piece of paper, she also had clean sheets and towels with her.

He was to make his own bed every morning after waking up, he had one hour for each meal and he wasn’t to skip any of them, all therapy sessions were mandatory and naps were frowned upon, as well as fraternizing with his fellow patients. He also found out there were various consequences to each offense. He made his bed, unpacked his duffel, put the towels in the bathroom along with his bag of toiletries, he looked at himself in the mirror, he ran a hand through his cherry red hair, his skin looked awful, he didn’t know if blood loss could make it look that bad, he wondered, he shrugged, it’s not like he cared anymore. He decided to spend the rest of the evening exploring his new home.

At six he made his way to the dinning room, he wasn’t really hungry, but he didn’t really feel like getting in trouble, he was just tired and wanted to get it over with so he could go to his room and get into bed, he entered the room and felt most eyes on him, of course he did, he was the new kid. He grabbed some fruit and a bottle of water and found an empty place away from people, he ate in silence and left the room in silence as well, he made his way back to his room quietly and closed the door behind him. He took off his shoes, slipped off his jeans and hoodie, he was left in his underwear and an Iron Maiden sleeveless t-shirt, he got into bed and under the covers, and reached to turn off the lights, he let his head sink into the pillow, and he let sleep take over his lite body and heavy arms, sleep was perfect, sleep felt alright.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gerard makes a new friend. Therapy sucks.

“Mr. Way, it’s time to wake up” he heard a female voice wake him from his peaceful sleep, he groaned and covered his face with the sheets.

“Go away!” he said.

“I’m sorry, but I can’t do that, you need to get up and get in the shower and then head for breakfast” the woman said.

“I don’t need a shower” he protested and then the sheets around his body disappeared; he opened his eyes and saw Sister Mary Ellen there.

“C’mon, get up, shower, now!” she said in a no non-sense voice, all of a sudden Gerard felt a bit self-conscious realizing he was in his tight underwear and probably had a morning erection, he jumped to his feet and ran to the tiny bathroom closing the door behind him. He took off his underwear and t-shirt and jumped in the shower, he liked that it was also a tub where he could maybe sometime take a bath in, but today he didn’t have time, especially with Sister Mary Ellen outside waiting for him. Gerard didn’t consider himself self-conscious, at least not until before his accident, he knew what he had and he wasn’t afraid to flaunt it. He looked down at his thighs, he saw the faint silver markings on his slender legs, he marveled at how his body had changed since his college days, gone was the chubby weird kid, he was now a different person.

He finished cleaning himself, closed the water and wrapped himself in a towel, his bandages were a mess he realized, he would have to go to the infirmary after breakfast and ask them to change them for new ones, cause honestly the idea of his wounds getting infected sounded gross. He peeked out of the door to see Sister Mary Ellen was gone, he got out of the room and went through his clothes, he decided on a pair of light gray joggers, a black oversized sleeveless top and a cashmere light gray cardigan on top, he puts on slippers cause what’s the point of shoes anyway?

He headed for the dinning room, he noticed there was more people than the night before but still he managed to secure a spot on a table away from the crowd… the crowd were probably 15 people, but still, way too many for his liking; he focused on eating his eggs and toast but he felt un-easy, he couldn’t exactly pinpoint why, until he dared to look up and across the room, on the other side of the dinning room he saw a pair of piercing blue eyes staring at him, he felt self-conscious and looked down, then back up again, a guy with his sides shaved and a blonde mop on top was looking hungrily at him, Gerard blushed and stared at his food trying to not think about it too much about it and just focus on eating as fast as he could.

Once he was done he walked out and headed for the infirmary to get his bandages checked, when he got there no one was there, he let himself in and sat on one of the chairs waiting, after a little while a nun came in, Gerard shuddered at his memories of elementary school, he learned the nun was Sister Agnes.

“How can I help you sweetie?” the woman asked in a saccharine voice.

“I… um… got my bandages wet and I don’t want to get an infection…” he said as he removed his cardigan.

“I see, let’s change them, shall we?”

Sister Agnes then proceeded to remove his bandages with the utmost care, trying not to hurt him, Gerard still winced, he was dreading this, he hadn’t seen his wounds yet and wasn’t exactly beaming at the thought of doing so. The bandages and gauze came off and he took a peek, on his right arm there was a large gash, the whole length of his arm was covered in stitches. On his left arm there were two words on capital letters taking up most of it, “FUCK UP” Gerard cringed.

“Oh darling, you got a lot of stitches here” Sister Agnes commented as she cleaned up his arms.

“Uh huh” Gerard managed to say.

“Don’t worry, it’ll be alright” she said and started patching him up again with dry and clean bandages, making them nice and tight, Gerard felt better, it made him feel like he wouldn’t fall apart at the seams.

“There you go” she said once she was done, Gerard thanked her and she pointed him in the direction of the meeting room he was supposed to go for his group therapy session. Gerard was dreading it, he had never been one for therapy, nor people, so group therapy encompassed everything he hated.

He got to the room and pushed the door open, it was a big room, there was a table at the back of the room with a coffee maker, water and some cookies, he had a feeling the coffee would suck; in the center of the room there was a circle of chairs, there were already some people sitting down, they all looked at Gerard, he waved hello and made a beeline for the coffee.

The coffee did suck as he had predicted, he sat on a chair facing the door, a few minutes later a man came in, he looked in his late 50’s, he was wearing slacks and a shirt, he had a clipboard in his hands, he sat on a chair opposite to Gerard, then some more people came in and the circle was full, the guy with the piercing blue eyes was one of them, he looked at Gerard and made him blush. Then the man with the clipboard cleared his throat and spoke.

“Looks like everyone’s here, so let’s start, we have a new guest today, Gerard, so please everyone, welcome him” the man said pointing in his direction, Gerard was already hating this.

Everyone mumbled their welcome and then the man spoke again “Gerard, I’m glad to have you here, I’m doctor Norton and I run the group therapy sessions as well as the one on one appointments, please let me know if you need anything at any moment, don’t be shy, I’ll be happy to help!”

“Thank you” Gerard limited to say.

“So! Who wants to go first?” The man continued.

The session lasted for what it seemed forever Gerard thought, but then it was over and he couldn’t wait to get out of there, he rushed to the entrance but then he was stopped by a hand around his wrist, he turned around and saw piercing blue eyes.

“Hi!” the guy said with a smile.

“Uh… hi” Gerard stammered.

“I’m Robert, nice to meet you.”

“Uh… Gerard, nice to meet you.”

“So… new guy huh?” Robert said.

“Yeah…”

“So, why are you here? Drugs, alcohol, suicide attempt?” he said candidly.

“I’d rather not talk about it” Gerard said, he was indignant, what was this guy thinking asking him that, he wanted to leave.

“Walk with me? I was heading to the library” Robert said.

“Uh, sure”

They walked in silence to the second floor, Gerard eyed Robert discretely, he was attractive, he had nice eyes and sharp cheekbones, and oddly that hair cut with the shaved sides suit his face well, he blushed at the thought and pushed it away. They spent the rest of the day reading in silence sitting across from each other, Gerard was immersed in his copy of Catcher in the Rye when Sister Mary Ellen found him to let him know he had an appointment with doctor Norton in thirty minutes.

Minutes later Gerard said goodbye to Robert and made his way to Doctor Norton’s office, he knocked softly on the door.

“Come in!” a voice said from the inside. Gerard let himself in. The office was bigger than he expected, it had wood panels all over the walls, there was a big desk at the very back and two heavy looking chairs in front of it, and just a few feet away from him there was a plush chair with an ottoman and a bigger couch in front of it.

Doctor Norton was sitting at the desk looking through some papers, he looked up. “Oh Gerard, right on time, come on, sit, I’ll be with you in a minute” he said. Gerard sat on the big couch and tumbled his fingers nervously. “Do you want some water? Coffee?” the man said.

“Thank you… could I uh…” he said taking out his pack of cigarettes.

“Sure sure, let me get you an ashtray”

Doctor Norton sat in front of Gerard and pushed an ashtray his way on top of the coffee table.

“Thank you” Gerard said as he lit his cigarette and exhaled the smoke, he moaned as the nicotine filled his body, God, he had missed this.

“So, Gerard, how old are you?”

“Uh… 25”

“25…” Doctor Norton repeated as he scribbled on his notebook. “So Gerard, why are you here?”

“Aren’t you supposed to know that?”

“Well yeah, but I want to hear it from you”

“I fucking slashed my wrists and failed at dying…” he said nonchalantly as he took a drag of his cigarette, Doctor Norton wrote some more.

“Why’d you do that?”

“Cause my life fucking sucks okay? Nobody fucking cares about me, I don’t have a family, I don’t have friends, and I’m fucking broken”

“Why do you think you’re broken?”

“I don’t want to talk about it…”

They spent the rest of the session going through Gerard’s life as to get a medical and family history, Gerard chain smoked the entire hour, he didn’t like being prodded about his past. When he got out it was lunch time, so he headed for the dining room.

The rest of the day went by pretty fast, and when he realized it was time for his meds and bed, Doctor Norton had prescribed antidepressants and sleeping pills, he got them from Sister Mary Ellen and then got into bed, before he realized he was asleep.


End file.
